Losing the Baby Weight

 Last night I craved a muffin and I got another one this morning. But I didn’t eat lunch and only ate half a party for dinner. But I was about to order pasta and cake for dinner but stopped myself. Then I looked at myself in the mirror and my appetite went away. I’m so freaking fat. I want to lose weight so badly. I saw a picture of myself from 4.5 years ago. I was probably 50 pounds lighter. I want to get back there so badly. Need to really stick to my diet.  Tried to detangle my hair but for lazy. Ugh. I think I might need to cut it off again. Not as short as last time, it’ll still be in a ponytail but I need to get rid of the hard parts. Then never let it get this bad again.  I need better motivation.

 So we went out over the weekend and I started eating again, then had to finish the muffins so I had a muffin a day sat-Monday. Monday was a bit of a splurge. Today has been the first day I eat three meals but no sweets. Back on the diet tomorrow. Also, I love my daughter so much. I miss her all day and am really enjoying my time with her. Even though I’m exhausted I only sat on the couch for 10 minutes while she played with hubby. But I legit love her and love the affection I get from her. I need to lose the weight for her, so that she’s proud to be with me. Should I look into exercising too? Maybe it’ll help speed things up. 

 Another day without eating sugar or junk. I also resisted ordering dinner. I declined my SIL’s offer to pick up food. Hubby wants to go out for brunch tomorrow but I’m mad at him and don’t know if I want to go. It’ll be the first meal I eat in a few days. But since I’m on a roll, why not keep going? I weighed in at 196.5. Can I keep up this diet til I reach 189 then start eating again? LO reached out for her aunt today and I am jealous. I thought I was my daughters special person but she will like others. I just have to accept it. I’ll continue to keep her away from people as long as I can and I’ll work on my insecurities in the meantime. She will love other people, it does not mean she loves me less. Also hubby is so annoying, he makes my daughter cry as he cleans her nose and doesn’t let up. Just takes his sweet ass time and she’s shrieking. He thinks she’s being dramatic but she’s one. He needs to get a fucking clue. I am ashamed at myself for not being able to raise her on my ...

 Another day of no sugar (other than in my tea), no junk, no lunch and no dinner either. Just egg in a basket, a banana, and a whole lot of goldfish crackers. I was so tempted to Uber eats some junk food but I controlled myself. I’ll probably just keep limiting food for as long as I can, knowing it’s unsustainable, but hoping for some quick and easy wins. Then I’ll introduce healthy foods. Like my shrimp avocado salad. Yum! Found out a colleague is pregnant. Being pregnant was hard, and I never want to do it again, but I miss it and wish I enjoyed it more. Now I wish I could enjoy my daughter more but she’s starting to be extra clingy and hubby is starting to get jealous and try to keep her away from me. Im actually enjoying being someone’s favourite for once. She wants me over others and gives me cuddles and hugs. Hubby can’t even do that, so I’m going to soak it all in while I can. I can’t help but know that this is temporary and there will be times she hates me and it will hurt....

 Okay day one has started! I basically starved myself today only eating egg in a basket and a truckload of goldfish crackers. But I did not have a muffin or chips!  Hubby said something that hurt my feelings yesterday. I told him we have to be a united front against the baby and he said that’s not going to happen. I’m just going to ignore him and not be his friend. I won’t tell him stories or ask him for anything. We’ll just raise our daughter civilly. I know he’s jealous because she just started reaching for me and is showing a preference for me, I keep telling him it’s a phase and she’ll ping pong between us. Secretly I’m enjoying every minute of the love and affection. 

 I was hungry and in a hurry for breakfast and was going to grab a muffin, but I hopped on my call instead and when it was over I resisted the muffin and had some eggs/toast instead! I might be able to go a whole day without eating sugar!

 I was sooooooo close to kicking the habit today, but I had a muffin :( also had a muffin yesterday. I’m going to try again tomorrow. I might need to throw these dang muffins out. Speaking of throwing food out, I’ve had soup in the freezer for over a year (I made it while I was pregnant) and it needs to go!  No but seriously, need to stick to the diet tomorrow! Then I can start tracking calories on Sunday. I will not cheat until I get to 150 pounds!

So I woke up without a plan and then I ended up failing. I didn’t eat a lot, but I did have mostly junk today. Didn’t track my food because I had zucchini bread first thing in the am which I should not have had but also couldn’t measure. I really don’t think I went over 1,200 calories but I did eat a muffin and have some chips. Walked around the mall for a bit today.  I want my daughter to have more play dates but I don’t know how to ask or get involved. I thought I had one friend but she has play dates without me. There is another mom close by but I’m super shy. She ate her dinner today so I’m pretty happy about that, even though lunch wasn’t great and her bottle was on the lighter side lately. She didn’t drink enough water so I’ll have to try and push that more this week. 

 Well, I weigh 200 pounds, a new high. I was told if I was breastfeeding I could eat whatever I wanted and the weight would melt off. Lies. I gain more now then I did after I had given birth. I think I lost 15 pounds after giving birth then gained it all back. So today was my last cheat day, I’m going back to counting calories and maybe I’ll even try to do an hour of walking a day.  It’s funny when I read back on my blogs. I was thinking of doing Bernstein again but I’m still pumping once a day so I don’t want to pump my body with chemicals yet. Also don’t really want to spend the money and have to go in for weight checks and doctor visits. Is Bernstein even still around? I don’t see commercials anymore. I wonder if they survived the pandemic. One of my other blogs was in 2016 and my goal was to pay off my mortgage by 2021. Well, I had a baby last year and took a year off work, so we actually missed that goal - but only by 7 months. God willing we’ll pay off our mortgage by ne...